Monday, 11 May 2009

The virtual burglar pays a visit ... in my head

Occasionally I have irrational thoughts. For instance;

What if a burglar were to break into the house in the middle of the night?

Last week I gave it too much thought, it went a little something like this;

So, the burglar breaks in. I don’t know how, he just does OK?

The dog who is having one of those dreams where she’s running in the park stirs. She doesn’t bark. Instead she vomits on the burglar’s shoes and proceeds to wag her tail and lick him. She welcomes him into our home. Not only has she been sick but earlier in the evening she was cleaning her arse with that tongue.

He fumbles to switch on his torch and surveys the kitchen for car keys to the shiny motor on the drive. Plates are piled high on the work surface. Don’t these people have a dishwasher? No, not unless you count me and the husband.

His torch light falls upon a picture on a pinboard of a gay couple. One of them is dressed as Adam Ant, the other is dressed as himself and has a fetching moustache. This picture is me (Magnum PI) and the husband (Adam Ant) at my sisters 40th birthday party. Note the chest hair (For the record and those of you who were wondering ... this is not my own chest hair).

There’s no hope of finding keys amongst the clutter. He locates a handbag on the worktop and opens it. He takes out the contents looking for a purse; a box of raisins, a soggy tissue, a broken Cinderella necklace, a sock, a notebook with extensive Disney notes … a purse with a faulty zip, several receipts for the Co-op and just three ten pence pieces.

He finds a mobile phone right at the bottom of the handbag, hiding. Not the latest model but worth a bob or two. The screen flashes bright. A picture of two small children wearing underpants on their heads greets him. Oh my god, what kinds of people are parenting these children?
I believe in nature over nurture … my children are truly bonkers, is that really my fault? … Ahem.

He decides to venture into the living room to check out the electrical goods. Suddenly there is a piercing shriek. He stops dead in his tracks, terrified that there is a beast upstairs. The 4 year old is having night terrors again.

In his panic to leave the house he goes into the downstairs toilet and is met a child’s floater bobbing alone. “Of course I flushed the toilet Mummy”

Recoiling in horror and running back towards the door he stands on a toy fire engine and falls to the floor crashing into the intricate marble run of the previous day.

As he crawls to his knees he kneels on a piece of Lego. OH THE PAIN!
For those of you not accustomed to the pain a piece of Lego can cause when kneeled upon, I have confirmed, after a lengthy conversation with the husband, that is equal to standing on an upturned plug.

Clutching his knee he notices some car keys hanging out of a coat pocket in the hall. Bingo!

Relieved to be leaving the house of horrors he realises that the keys are not for the shiny motor, they are indeed for the rusty, dusty old motor parked beside it.

He sits in the car, the first thing to hit him is the lingering smell of wet dog. He puts the key in the ignition. The car stereo signals its awakening with a loud rasping farting noise and The Wind in The Willows blares out of the speakers. The faulty hand brake alarm starts and the petrol gauge is glowing on empty.

What burglar, in his right mind would pick on us?!

22 comments:

Kylie w Warszawie said...

A burgalar in my house wouldn't be able to find anything among the clutter even though the house is tidied CONSTANTLY!

And I love the photo. Quite disAppointed that it's not your own chest hair though.

Littlemummy said...

I don't bother with burglar alarms, there's nothing of value here.

Single Parent Dad said...

You should market your burglar proof philosophy, but I think it is catching on already ;-)

rosiescribble said...

We had a burglary last year, and honestly when the police arrived I had to tell them that the house was as messy as it was even BEFORE the intruder came in. Hilarious!

It's all fine now and I ended up with a shiny new laptop, and a very red face!

Dana's Brain said...

That is so our house! Especially the Legos - and I will confirm - the pain of kneeling or stepping on one of those suckers is blood curdling!

Kelloggsville said...

brilliant - quite brilliant,

so frighteningly close to the truth!

x

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Hahahaha! Legos are deadly! I love Adam Ant - I think that look is from "Prince Charming".

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Are you sure you aren't talking about my house???

English Mum said...

Classic. Oh, and I like you in a moustache. Careful, I may be turning....

Dulwich Divorcee said...

Mmm, I can smell that wet dog ...You are so right about the pain of Lego. I put it right up there with treading on a Barbie stiletto in bare feet ...

Milla said...

very funny. I think Lego has the edge when stepped on in bare feet, when the middle, soft bit of your foot enjoys the full effect, although, yes, kneeling is bad. There's nothing quite like it for thwacking you out of whatever alternative daydream thang you were on at the time.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

Yes, lego is definitely painful. You have a wonderful imagination!!

CJ xx

Exmoorjane said...

Hilarious.... love the floater in particular but think hubby needs the big white stripe under the eyes (unless I can't see that) for true Adam Antdom (I shall now confess that I wore one of those for several years as it was, weird but true, very flattering)....

Nicola said...

This is so funny! Plus, I have to say, the thought of burglars no longer bothers me because the only things of any real value anymore is all the handmade tat the boys have produced - and no person in their right mind is going to be interested in nicking that.

Maternal Tales said...

Hee hee. Very good. I laughed out loud at the lego bit, because guess what? - I did that exact thing today...Oh and the sole of my foot is still in pain... :-((

Not Waving but Drowning said...

I so remember the lego.

It was always when I had bare feet and always on the instep...the eye watering pain!

Lovely post,

GG

lunarossa said...

You made me laugh so much, thanks!!! And I can relate to you totally. If a burgler managed to get in here, he would have to get over the pile of smelly shoes at the front entrance and the pile of rubbish bags at rear entrance + the lego bicks scattered all over. I can still recall the pain on stepping on a small brick not long ago! All the best. Ciao. A.

Reasons to be Cheerful 1,2,3 said...

http://joanne-helpinghands.blogspot.com/2009/03/real-world-of-lego.html

I know about lego experiences. Exmoor Jane asked for the post above because she'd heard about it from a reader- you might like it if you have time.

I loved the post. Eat less cheese before bedtime lovey. ;-))

Expat mum said...

The only thing worse than standing on a Lego is the side of those bloody wooden Dr Scholl sandals. Remember?

Cairo Typ0 said...

Hi visiting from BPOTW!

We have often joked that any burglar who stopped by our place would be sadly let down by our lack of anything to steal. LOL

Perfectly Happy Mum said...

That was hilarious and so familiar too! Oh and the lego, oh YES it hurts when you kneel on them!

Vanessa Rogers said...

I have stepped on a Lego and I concur, it hurts!