Tuesday, 6 January 2009

From Amazonian Tree Dweller to Jabba the Hut

I was given a large box of Green & Blacks (the contents: 4 boxes of chocolates, 7 large bars, and about 50 miniatures) for Christmas.

The jumbo box which I thought would take months to devour (who was I kidding?) is getting lighter by the day, so light in fact that I have used the outer box to store our Christmas decorations. This weekend in a desperate bid to save my flabby choco-paunch I offloaded one of the boxes of chocolates onto friends who invited us for dinner. After a lovely meal and several glasses of wine we scoffed the contents of another box of chocolates as a post meal snackette. I was being sociable.

My husband likened me to an ‘Amazonian Tree Dweller’ when he first met me which is, umm … nice. I am tall with big boobs so nothing really ever fits right. I have never been skinny and never fat, somewhere in between. I have never dieted or obsessed about my weight and I was lucky enough to lose my baby weight plus more when I breastfed. For those of you who are now vowing never to read my blog again after that snippet of information, just wait … once I had finished breastfeeding the weight returned.

Times are a changing and I am officially concerned about my weight. During Christmas I have overindulged and eaten anything and everything. I am surprised one of the children is not missing a limb and shortly I will be wearing our ‘four pod’ family tent as it will be the only thing which will cover my engorged frame. The 2 year old has suddenly started requesting that I lift my top to show him my belly and then laughs whilst prodding the flabby choco-paunch. This violation is a daily occurrence. I have decided to cut back; smaller portions, no puddings or alcohol during the week so far so good. I decided this morning to keep a list of what I eat during the day. Here is what I have eaten so far;

- 3 slices of toast smothered in butter and jam
- 2 apples
- 1 mince pie courtesy of a work colleague – out of date, so doesn’t count
- 1 chicken, basil and pasta salad from M&S – low calorie version so only half of it counts
- 2 pieces of broccoli left by the 2 year old after tea – vegetable and second hand, so definitely doesn’t count
- Nachos covered in lardy cheese

This is a fifth of what I normally eat and I’m feeling faint. I actually have a headache from thinking about food.

My brain is panicking and telling me to eat the remaining Green & Black’s chocolate as quickly as possible, because, if I can no longer see it my body won’t realise what is going on and will therefore be fooled into cancelling the fat content.

If anyone has seen the film Madagascar they will understand what I mean when I say that I have been eyeing up the dog, and she just looks like a huge double chocolate chip muffin.


Stinking Billy said...

laura, I found that a very appealing post, but I won't be crass enough to say why. ;-) x

Reluctant Housewife said...

Ha! I have the same problem - when I try to cut back I feel like I'm starving and all I can think about is food! Argh!

I have an award for you at my blog.

Merrily Down the Stream said...

My theory is you can gain so much weight in one day so why not finish it all now???
What? No?
You mean that is why I share your choco-paunch?

Jen said...

I SO know this battle. Last night, I thought that I would be all healthy and ate a veggie stir fry with brown rice and 1 hour later my body was screaming at me, where the fat. So I ate 3 chocolates. I give up.

Tara said...

Laura, so sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but that was so funny!

I too am trying to turn things around to a. get rid of baby belly ('baby' is 3!), b. get fitter and c. reduce the size of my uncontrolable bust which sounds funny but so is not. Especially when my daughter keeps saying 'wow, look at the size of your nips mummy'.

I did talk about it here for any other well endowed women out there!

Merrily Down the Stream said...

PS I gave you an award over at my blog...