Shhhhht ...

We've had some potential for child/toddler tourettes again this week ....

Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stafani was on Radio 1 on Friday. I was in the car with both children at the time. Bear in mind the chorus for a moment please;

Ooh, this my sh*t, this my sh*t
Ooh, this my sh*t, this my sh*t
Ooh, this my sh*t, this my sh*t
Ooh, this my sh*t, this my sh*t

Instead of saying sh*t, they changed it to shhhhht, so it sounded exactly like ... well, sh*t.

Delighted I was not.

The 4 year old said nothing at the time, but I am well aware she will be digesting it for another more suitable time, like our once yearly trip to church, when we are sat in the Dr’s waiting room or travelling in a full but silent lift.

Abandon Ship

Whilst I was getting the 3 year old out of the bath last night I heard the following being shouted downstairs ...

4 year old - DADDY, WHY DID YOU JUST SHOUT SHIP?

Just when I thought it was safe to leave the house ….

We’re in the car; me and the 13 year old in the front, the 4 year old and the 3 year old in the back.

I am singing along to the radio, badly. The 13 year old is playing games on her phone and the 3 and 4 year old are discussing the merits of cheese strings Vs yoghurt raisins.

I slow down to let a man in a 4x4 pull out of a junction. He clearly hasn’t seen my random act of kindness so I flash my lights. He still doesn’t pull out.

Losing my patience I say “Oh come on …”

The 4 year old instantly pipes up with “… you bugger”, followed by a quieter “bugger” from the 3 year old before they continue their previous conversation.

The 13 year old looks at me in disbelief and I mouth to her “say nothing”.

Meanwhile the man has finally pulled out of the junction. I continue on our journey wondering if the last 60 seconds actually happened. I look at my children in the rear view mirror, they are completely oblivious.

The only evidence of the ‘toddler tourettes’ is their 13 year old sister beside me; her shoulders are shaking and her long hair is covering her face.

She looks up to reveal tears, tears of silent laughter.

Nothing On Top Thank You

"W*nker" was the first thing I thought I heard from the 2 year old this morning as I woke up. I endured toddler tourettes with the 4 year old when she was a similar age so decided to ignore him and went about the morning rituals.

During the day I tried to think of an occasion when I may have said that word in front of him. I could clearly remember the word ‘sh!t’ accidently falling out of my mouth last week during an incident involving a very hot pan of water and my hand, but not ‘w*nker'. I decided the blame must lay at my husband’s feet.

After school the 4 year old was her normal famished self. I offered her an apple, an orange, a pear or some raisins. As usual she wanted something that was not on the menu. She wanted a cracker. An arid, dry as they come, nothing on top thank you, Jacobs cracker.

Ten minutes later I heard the dulcet tones of the 2 year old quite clearly shouting "w*nker, w*nker, w*nker".

It turns out he shares his sister’s penchant for dried foods. After questioning both him and his sister I have deciphered his new word. It is in fact ‘cracker’. What a relief! If only he shared his sisters language skills too.

Toddler Tourette’s

There is a point in every parent’s life when they realise that their child’s speech is improving. Mumbles become clearer words and they find it easier to communicate their needs.

I reached this point when the 4 year old was 2.

We were getting ready to go out and she was struggling to put her shoes on. I was busy stuffing the baby into his car seat and suddenly heard ‘fookinell’ fall out of the 2 year olds mouth. As I was wondering if I’d heard right I heard it again.

My life flashed before me and a memory of a road rage incident came flooding back. An elderly man had stepped out in front of the car causing me to perform an emergency brake and almost bring my lunch back up. The force made the 2 year old hurl her raisins in the air which was an ordeal in itself. My response had been “F*cking hell you stupid old bugger” as he stumbled off.

I have been known to swear, but nearly almost never in front of the children and usually at my husband. I remembered a Supernanny moment ‘Ignore the swearing, attention will make it worse’. So I ignored the toddler tourette’s.

With relief we continued without incident until we were in the changing rooms at the swimming pool. The 2 year old couldn’t get her costume back in her bag. ‘Fookinell’ she said and carried on tugging at the bag and shoving at the wet costume. I felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights and thrust her out of the door.

Purchasing a gag wasn’t an option so I rode it out with a red face. We had a ’fookinell’ outside pre-school in the presence of parents and play leader alike, a ‘fookinell’ in front of the neighbours and 2 further ‘fookinells’ in the supermarket. People always looked at her, then back at me, puzzled. As if they weren’t quite sure if they’d heard right … and if they had why was I not washing her mouth out with soap and water.

I remember feeling a little proud that at least she was using her new phrase in context and not just punctuating her sentences willy nilly with it. It lasted 2 weeks before she moved onto something more acceptable. The only positive during those 2 weeks was that he never added the “stupid old bugger” on the end.