Displaying my bottom and wobbly thighs ...

I very rarely get any time when I am without children or a child whilst shopping. Today I took full advantage of my lunch break from work and went to Marks & Spencer. I like nothing more than wandering aimlessly round a shop without having to wonder where my children are, if one of them has stuffed something in their pocket and thinking they may break something very expensive. I regularly frisk the 2 year old before leaving a shop, he has been known to cram a packet of Quavers into the smallest of pockets without being seen.

To make my solo shopping experience extra special I sometimes try random clothes on, just because I can. I can remove my clothes without one of my children swishing open the curtain, displaying my bottom and wobbly thighs, shouting something inappropriate like ‘Why has that woman got such a fat tummy?’. The other child makes a break for it with my trousers and hides in another cubicle. It has happened, and is the reason why I no longer try clothes on. Time after time I bring home clothes that do not fit and have to return them.

So, today I wandered aimlessly. I stroked clothing, clothing I didn’t even like. I sniffed toiletries, toiletries I would never use and I walked around the food hall pretending in my head that I could do a weekly shop there and hand over £500 for amongst other things the privilege of having my vegetables peeled and diced for me.

I was brought back down to earth in the children’s clothing department when I heard the familiar sound of a mother berating her child for not obeying instructions.

There are 3 levels of stress for this category which I call ‘public disobedience’.

1. You ask the child to do something in a nice but firm voice whilst maintaining eye contact

If the child does not respond …

2. You threaten child with something horrible through clenched teeth, spraying them with spittle but still maintaining eye contact

If the child does not respond …

3. You scream at the child because you no longer care what anyone thinks. You are no longer able to maintain eye contact because to do so would burn a hole through their soul. You grab them by the arm and march towards the nearest exit. If you could rip off the arm and use it as a weapon to beat your child you would.

She had skipped number 1, gone straight to number 3 then ended on a number 2. I had to admire her style. Her finale was "If you don’t stop running off, someone nasty will come and take you away".

Judging by the look on the child’s face he probably thought that 'someone nasty' was a better option than the crazy woman that he had to go home with.