I am a Beijing Olympics Pervert

I’m not really into sport. I find the rules of sport difficult to compute. I’ve asked enough stupid questions about football to know when to give up.

My husband will watch any sport going. His top three are golf, football and cricket, not necessarily in that order. In the absence of those he is a sport floozy. He probably draws the line at ice skating, but it’s not a very thick line. We caught a glimpse of women’s beach volley ball this week, my husband is now an enthusiast. Nothing to do with their very microscopic, tight shorts though …

My attention was grabbed yesterday by the synchronised men’s diving at the Beijing Olympics. What a joy to behold; VERY tight Speedos. The 4 year old thought it was ‘boring’. One of the divers blew a kiss at the camera, she said to me “Do you know him Mummy?” I blew him a kiss back.

Today I discovered men’s swimming. The men with their big triangular frames packed tightly into full lycra body stockings. The only downside being the swim caps – it’s not an attractive look, but then I wasn’t looking at their heads. As they filmed along the start line, some were jiggling their man boobs and splashing their nether regions with water. I was captivated. I still don’t know why they needed to splash their man bits. Was it a demonstration of masculinity, a bit of a ‘man show’ – to put off the other swimmers or was it to shrink their appendage; further adding to ergo dynamics?

I have finally found some enthusiasm for sport. I even understand the rules – 1) If you splash your nether regions with water you will go faster and 2) If you wear really small Speedos no one will care if you make a gigantic splash.

I wonder what qualifications I need to become a judge?